Schenectady, New York. This is the place that gets left behind in the wake of Rustbelt ingenues and General Electric entrepreneurs after they decide that they’ve milked this place for all it has to offer, pack up their lives, move away. I am told that we are three steps away from the rich section of town and ten paces shy of the ghetto. This disparity would seem all the more poignant if I hadn’t been living in this country for what feels like almost forever.
I think of Olivia, my youngest cousin. She is almost two and the most intelligent youthful creature I have ever met, and to know that I share a minuscule section of the genetic makeup of the blood running through her veins overcomes me with a foreign feeling of the need to protect her tiny body from anything that will bring her fear. She is young, there is still time to keep the monsters hidden and the demons out. My aunt and uncle are two of the best parents I have ever met and I would like to say that it makes me joyful to see them with Olivia, only that this week has been punctuated with short sharp intense bouts of unholy sadness. I have been without the feeling of family for quite awhile.
Most days I do okay alone, and being here has made me realize just how difficult it is for me to be around certain types of love. The unconditional, untainted kind that draws strength from the deepest wells of your soul, saying that I will give and give and never run dry because you are the most important being in my universe and I will love you as the sky rains down. I will love your bits and pieces and build you up whole, my longings are yours for the taking, my home is where you are.
I am thankful for my family on this side of the world. I am thankful for youth. For Anis Mojgani, Mariko Nagai, Leo Tolstoy and Charles Bukowski. For friendships that have stood the test of time, and those that are still in their infancy. I am thankful for rediscovering my ability to love intensely. I am thankful for my bare naked self, for being able to love and accept my bare naked self. For the seasons, for a warm bed, for some infinite being in this cosmic universe that has kept me safe all this while.
